The ham sandwich
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends. At a picnic one day, the priest was eating a ham sandwich.
“You know,” he said to his friend, “this ham sandwich is delicious. I know you’re not supposed to eat ham, but I don’t understand why such a good thing would be forbidden. When will you break down and try it? When will you stop being so stubborn about your ancient laws and just start enjoying life. Will you ever become integrated and taste ham?”
To which the rabbi replied, “Sure, at your wedding.”
And this is the theme I wish to discuss with you today.
The Dalai Lama
Rabbi Ben Zion Krasnyanski, the Chabad rabbi on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, was once present at a large spiritual seminar in Manhattan, with many a Jewish Buddhists in the crowd. One man asked him, “Rabbi, I know that you believe that for a Jew to find spiritual fulfillment, he ought to search for it in Judaism. And I resent that. Why would you not tell a Jew that there are many paths to attain meaning and enlightenment, Judaism being only one of them? Take Buddhism for example. It is, I maintain, a legitimate spiritual path for the Jew. Look at the Dalai Lama, the head monk of Tibetan Buddhism. He is an awesome fellow, beloved, peaceful, enlightened, gracious, tranquil and happy. Why would you not encourage Jews to use his path for spiritual meaning? Would it be so bad if we Jews were as fine and wonderful as the Dalai Lama?”
To which the Chabad rabbi responded “You have just defined the Dalai Lama in powerful adjectives: fine, wonderful, awesome, beloved, peaceful, enlightened, gracious, tranquil and happy. I would love to accept all these titles about him. But we Jews have a sacred tradition which dates back 4000 years. We do not believe any compliments about any man in the world, no matter who he is, until we first consult the man’s wife. We believe that only the wife of a man really knows him and if she consents to all the compliments about her husband, then we can accept them. Only the wife is a “valid witness” in Judaism. So as much as I would love to accept all your words of praise about the Dalai Lama, as a rabbi I must adhere to the Jewish rule and I must first speak to Mrs. Dalai Lama and hear what she has to say about her husband. Here is the deal — If she agrees to all of these titles, then, yes, I confess you are right. Buddhism is the way to go. But if Mrs. Dalai Lama disagrees, then, I stick with Judaism and you must also stick with Judaism.
To which the man responded, “Primitiveness, rabbi, has just emerged in full splendor. How old- fashioned and isolated can you be? I knew that ultra orthodox Chassidic rabbis are out of touch with reality, but so out of touch? Do you not know that the Dalai Lama may never get married? He is to remain a celibate for his entire life! By definition of his being, the Dalai Lama he could never have a “Mrs.!”
“Ah,” responded the rabbi with a smile. “That is exactly the point! He is not allowed to have a Mrs.”
“You see,” the rabbi said, “The path of Buddhism, and many similar paths, fascinating and meaningful as they may be, demand that the head monk remain unmarried.”
In 2008, a reporter interviewed the Dalai Lama, and asked him, does he not desire intimacy, marriage, family? The Dalai Lama said: “People marry, soon after, they divorce. Again, they marry, and may divorce again. Those who marry always have trouble…. If you live together, happy, and get old, there is the issue of who goes first, who dies first. Human attachment to your children and partner becomes an obstacle to peace of mind. The attachments are a trap… Monks are detached. One of the practices in all major religions is detachment. Don’t have too much attachment, and you’ll be content. You have it in Catholicism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, all major religions.”
But the Dalai Lama knew not to mention Judaism because Judaism’s approach is different. In Judaism, the deepest spiritual fulfillment is attained only through deep and powerful concrete relationships here on earth. The Kabbalah explains why. Before creation G-d was alone. There was nothing but G-d, nothing but divine truth, light and purity. So why did G-d decide to create you and me? G-d was the ultimate Monk, fully detached and fully one and integrated. It is Niravana all of the time, one in all and all in one. So why did G-d disturb the silent peace and create a chaotic universe?
Because He wanted a relationship. So He made Himself vulnerable and He suspended His infinity to create space for the universe. So in Judaism, we touch the purpose of creation when we, too, come out of our cocoon and we connect with people deeply; when we turn the “I” into a “we,” when we create space for each other and we learn to love deeply and passionately.
So, on the holiest day of our calendar, the high priest who enters into the most sacred space on earth, may not be a spiritual bachelor. He must be a married man. You know why? Because it is in marriage where you must learn to be in a perpetual relationship, not only on your terms, but also on another person’s terms. For a marriage to work, you must be concerned with your partner 24/7. You must become one. And it is in our oneness with other people, that we emulate G-d who created the world in order to enter into a relationship with us.
Ham we may not eat, but marriage — oh yes! So if you’re looking to make a New Year’s resolution – emulate G-d by working on your relationships.
Rabbi Tzvi Dechter is the director of Chabad of North Broward Beaches, located in the Venetain Isle Shopping Center at 2025 E. Sample Rd. in Lighthouse Point. For all upcoming events, please visit www.JewishLHP.com.
