A friend of mine called to ask a question about Tisha B’Av, which fell this year on the 9th of August. It is a very sad day in the history of the Jewish People. It is a day on which many calamities have occurred. It seems my friend went to two Synagogues on Tisha B’Av. In one, the people were fasting and observing many of the customs that made it appear that they were in the midst of mourning. But in the other Temple, there were people who were dancing and singing; two different groups … each observing a very special day of the year in very different ways.

One would hope that they would permit each other to observe in their own way in peace and harmony, but alas, that is not the reality in which we live.

And so it was that a member of one Temple ran into a member from the other, and, sure enough, they got into an argument. One argued that the day should be marked by weeping and sorrow, and the other argued that it should be a day to dance in joy.

Before long, the two men … two brothers of the same faith … began to exchange more than words with one another. I doubt that anyone could have convinced either one of them that there might be more than one way to observe the day. But, what they were doing was exactly why the Sages say the Temple was destroyed in the first place. It was destroyed by senseless hatred between brothers and sisters of faith.

As I recall from my youth, there is a tale of two great Sages who, upon looking at the destruction of the Temple, one began to weep and the other to dance. Each was confused as to how the other could react so differently to the very same thing.

One wept because he felt the immediate pain of the destruction. The other danced because he saw the destruction as a sign of fulfillment of Biblical Prophecy and as assurance that the day would soon come when the Temple would be rebuilt and there would be peace throughout the world.

When I am called on to go to a family who has just experienced the loss of a loved one, it is not unusual to find that each member of the family is experiencing the passing of their loved one differently.

One may be weeping at the pain of loss. Another might be feeling relief and, dare I say it, a form of joy in the fact that their loved one is no longer in pain, that they are at peace.

I don’t know that either way of dealing with the loss is superior to the other. I only know that both are ways that we deal with loss and, as friends … as neighbors … as brethren … our job is to be there to comfort the mourner however their psychological makeup brings them to deal with their loss.

May we come to honor each other’s way of dealing with the loss of a loved one. Just as we would want others to respect the way we choose to grieve, may we be wise enough to honor another’s way.

Shalom My Friends,

Rabbi Craig H. Ezring

Rabbi Ezring is a Hospice Chaplain and Member of the National Association of Jewish Chaplains. He also provides Professional Pastoral Care Services to a number of health centers in Broward County.