I miss my momma. I was blessed with a true Yiddishe momma. She kept the house so clean you could eat off the floor. Today, I am going to let you in on a little secret; I was not the easiest child to rear and, to this day, I have times when I wish I could cling to my momma’s apron strings again.

Since Momma was a Balabusta, she wasn’t just the Queen of Clean. She was the Queen of the Sabbath Day. She was an Eshet Chayil, a woman of valor, and she was Queen of the Kitchen. And, no matter how long I live, I will never understand how she put up with me.

But as difficult as I was to raise, before my mother of blessed memory passed away, she let me know how proud she was of my brothers and of me. She let me know how much she loved us and that we should always remember to be at peace with one another.

Shalom Bayit, peace in the house … One of the most peaceful moments in my memory banks from the days of my childhood had to do with the eve of the Holy Sabbath day when my mom would put a kerchief on her head and stand in front of the Shabbat candles. She would strike a match and kindle the candles, and she would close her eyes, saying a prayer as she gently waved her hands over the flames of those holy lights.

Those lights were meant to increase the Shalom Bayit. And, at that special moment, I felt the glow and the warmth of the candles and the love of my momma for everyone in the house.

But how does one fulfill this beautiful mitzvah when they have a child who is much more difficult than even I might have been; for instance, what does a momma do when she has a child who is autistic?

If one of the reasons we kindle the Shabbat candles is to usher light and peace into the house, then, lighting them around a child with autism just might be problematic. The truth of the matter is that an autistic child will probably be more prone to blow the candles out. After all, isn’t that what we do when we have a birthday and light the candles?

Sometimes, out of love for that child, and for the safety and peace of the house, the tradition needs to be changed just a tad. And that concept brought Frances Victory to do a study on this very subject for her dissertation and as she wrote “One mother of a child with autism said: ‘We do light Shabbat candles and she (her daughter) takes great pleasure in blowing them out. We do let her do that. She walks away when we light the candles but she comes back down when we sing Shalom Alecheim (Peace Be Unto You).”

I know there are those who will see such an act as sinful, but, blowing out the dangerous flame still allows the mother to recite the appropriate blessings and keep her child safe to enjoy the peace of Shabbat.

As one of the mothers interviewed so lovingly said, “Some people make their kid fit to their world. We fit into our daughter’s world.” Now, that’s what I call a momma!

Wishing you all the most beautiful and joyous of Mother’s Days.

Shalom my friends,

Rabbi Craig H. Ezring

Rabbi Ezring is the Spiritual Leader of Temple Beth Israel of Deerfield Beach. He is a Member of the National Association of Jewish Chaplains and of the Association of Professional Chaplains and serves in this capacity as part of the Pastoral Care Department in several healthcare settings throughout North Broward County.